the know nothing
© ERIC FERGUSON
5348 48th Av. S.
Minneapolis, MN 55417
phone: (612)702-8897
eric@celticfringe.net
http://www.celticfringe.net
CHARACTERS:
Pat Buchanan
His Aide
A Hotel Clerk
Two Know Nothings (one speaking role)
Know Nothing Speaker
Two Irishmen
Scene 1
(Pat Buchanan stands at a podium. He is addressing the crowd at the finish of a campaign speech.)
BUCHANAN
My friends, America's borders are sieves. If you've been wondering why the working man has seen his pay actually decrease over the last twenty years, if you've ever wondered why wages are perpetually pushed down in a growing economy, there's your answer. It's the swarms of immigrants coming in my friends. It's the Mexicans sloshing across the Rio Grande, the ships bursting with illegal Chinese hidden in their bowels. We are being overrun by foreigners who work for cheap wages, destroying American jobs. They don't want to learn our culture, they don't want to speak English. Enough of this my friends. Under a Pat Buchanan administration, the INS will have the teeth to put a stop to this. Elect me as your president, and I will act to protect America's sovereignty.
(Cheers as Buchanan waves to the crowd and leaves the podium. He sits down tired in a seat on the campaign plane. An aide approaches.)
AIDE
Mr.Buchanan, we'll be in Des Moines in a couple hours for a local TV interview, you've got a speech in Cedar Rapids tonight, then we stay the night in Mason City where you'll be on a local talk radio program.
BUCHANAN
A Rush Limbaugh clone?
AIDE
I think so.
BUCHANAN
Probably a NAFTA lover.
AIDE
Try to catch a nap sir. It's such hard work, trying to protect our country from foreigners with those weird sounding names.
BUCHANAN
Right. Thank you Mr./Ms Stroopskyoosky.
(Aide exits. Buchanan falls asleep. Music and lights indicate he is dreaming.)
BUCHANAN
Huh, what, hey what's going on?! Where am I? (He catches a piece of newspaper blowing by, or perhaps being tossed on-stage by a visible hand.) Why, look at this----a piece of newspaper that happens to be blowing by very handily right at this moment. Ohmigosh, the date says 1852! I've traveled back in time. Well, good. Now I get to see what America was like before native American values were sullied by foreign influences, before American virtue was weakened by the liberal welfare state, a time when Aliens weren't from outer space. (He exits)
Scene 2
(Buchanan walks into a hotel lobby and approaches the clerk.)
BUCHANAN
Excuse me, I need a room for the night.
CLERK
All right, sign here.
BUCHANAN
How much?
CLERK
One dollar.
BUCHANAN
A dollar? (pleasantly surprised)
CLERK
Hey, this is a decent hotel. You want a room and a meal for two bits, you can go sleep at some tavern.
BUCHANAN
No no, that's fine. Here. (Hands the clerk a dollar.)
CLERK
Hey, what's this?
BUCHANAN
A dollar bill.
CLERK
Who puts out anything that looks like this?
BUCHANAN
What are talking about? It's a basic federal government dollar bill.
CLERK
Right, as if the federal government puts out paper money. What, did you just get off the boat?
BUCHANAN
Sir, I am a native born American!
CLERK
Uh huh, and just what sort of name is (looking at register) Patrick Buchanan, that Scottish?
BUCHANAN
No, it's Irish.
CLERK
Irish! And Catholic too, I'll bet!
BUCHANAN
Yes, but I ....
CLERK
We don't let your kind in here, you lazy drunkard. Get out.
BUCHANAN
What?
CLERK
Get the potatoes out of your ears, bogtrotter. I said get out!
(Clerk pushes Buchanan out the door.)
BUCHANAN
(alone) Why's that idiot hate Irish so much? Jesus, you'd think I was a Mexican.
Scene 3
(Buchanan is walking along a street. He stops to read a sign.)
BUCHANAN
(reading) "Meeting here tonight. Native American Party." Stop the invading foreigner who's coming to steal your job. (speaking) Now these sound like my kind of people. (He sees someone coming out of the building.) Hey excuse me, do you know anything about this meeting?
KNOW NOTHING
I know nothing.
BUCHANAN
But you were just in the building.
KNOW NOTHING
So what's it to you?
BUCHANAN
I'm just interested, that's all. (The KNOW NOTHING looks at him suspiciously) I'm against immigration too.
KNOW NOTHING
Oh, in that case, I'm a Know Nothing.
BUCHANAN
Well, are there any party members inside?
KNOW NOTHING
Indeed, the place is full of Know Nothings.
BUCHANAN
Where can I find somebody who does know something?
KNOW NOTHING
Why don't you just ask me?
BUCHANAN
You said you don't know anything.
KNOW NOTHING
I didn't know if you were one of them. Now that I know you want to be one of us, (confidentially, with a knowing smile) I know nothing. You follow me?
BUCHANAN
Not if you don't know where we're going.
KNOW NOTHING
You really don't know who we are?
BUCHANAN
No, I know nothing.
KNOW NOTHING
Ah, I knew you were one of us!
BUCHANAN
One of who?!
KNOW NOTHING
One of us!. Our nickname is "the Know Nothings". If you're asked about us by somebody with no call to do so, you just reply "I know nothing".
BUCHANAN
Oh, that's why I kept hearing people say that. I thought there was just a lot of stupid people around here.
KNOW NOTHING
No, that's just us. Come on in, they already started.
(They enter the hall and sit. Two other people, one of whom is the hotel clerk, are also seated. A speaker is at the podium.)
SPEAKER
Doesn't it seem that every ship that sails across the Atlantic carries a human cargo to be dumped on our shores? (crowd replies in the affirmative) What are we, Americans, or pigs to clean up Europe's garbage? Look at our teeming streets, and then tell me the United States aren't already too crowded. (crowd replies "we are too crowded", "foreigners stay out", etc.)
BUCHANAN
I say we close the borders. (crowd approves)
CLERK
Hey, he's not one of us! He tried to sneak into my hotel, until I found out he was an Irish Catholic!
BUCHANAN
Just a moment...
CLERK
With a phony American accent!
BUCHANAN
Phony!
CLERK
You don't quite sound like us, do you, begosh and begorrah.
BUCHANAN
Uh oh.
(Crowd starts turning into a mob.)
SPEAKER
Stop my friends, this calls for deliberation. We have here someone from a different culture, of an alien religion. He's come here no doubt fleeing poverty or persecution, looking for a chance here. We now have to live with this person who is so different from us. There is but one course of action .... Get him!
(Buchanan runs offstage pursued by the Know Nothings.)
Scene 4
(Buchanan runs on stage being beaten by Know Nothings. A couple Irishmen dash to Buchanan's aid.)
IRISHMAN
Get off him you hooligan! Take that you blackguard. It's my boot in your backside you'll get for your trouble. (Know Nothing runs off.)
BUCHANAN
(trying to recover) Thank you, thank you.
IRISHMAN
Sure we can't let that spalpeen beat another Irishman. We have to stick together in this country. It's on their side that the law and politicians are found.
BUCHANAN
Why not just vote them out of office?
IRISHMAN
You know, that's a thought. I couldn't vote at home, so I never thought of it here. But there're more and more of us all the time who are citizens. And aren't we clustered in the big cities. Sure lad you're right. We could organize and take over the Democratic Party.
BUCHANAN
Wait, no, I didn't mean...
IRISHMAN
No more we'll be wage slaves to the owners of the factories and machines! We'll build our own machine, a political machine! The man who owns the machines makes the rules, and that'll be us! It's all your doing lad. It's a natural politician you are. Good man!
BUCHANAN
Not the Democrats, that's not what I meant, they'll make liberals out of you...
(The Irishmen congratulate Buchanan, giving friendly slaps on the back. As they do so, Buchanan's aide enters and shakes his shoulders. Lights and music indicate the change back to reality. Irishmen exit.)
AIDE
Wake up sir. Mr.Buchanan, wake up. We're almost there, sir.
BUCHANAN
What? Who's there...
AIDE
It was just a dream. You were having some sort of nightmare.
BUCHANAN
You sure?
AIDE
You were yelling and flailing your arms around, and when the lights and music got weird that was a dead giveaway.
BUCHANAN
What a relief. It was so real.
AIDE
Get ready sir, we're almost in Chicago.
BUCHANAN
Chicago? I thought we were going to Des Moines?
AIDE
First we have that speech at the Chicago city hall.
BUCHANAN
I must have forgotten.
AIDE
Don't you remember, you were going to speak in the main lobby, where your portrait hangs next to the portrait of the late Mayor Daley?
BUCHANAN
My portrait hangs next to Mayor Daley?!
AIDE
Of course. Remember, the one donated by the Ancient Order of Hibernians? You know, it's the oddest thing. Every time I see that picture, I could swear it was painted in the 19th century.
(Buchanan realizes the implications of that statement and screams. He is drowned out by some Twilight Zone or Psycho style music as lights fade to black.)
Scene 5
BUCHANAN
My friends, you see before you a chastened man. Never again will I try to demagogue my way to the presidency with tales of harm immigrants do to this country. Most of us come from somewhere else, and the truth is that immigration has been a renewing force in American society. Now let me tell you about how your jobs are being stolen by foreigners working for cheap wages in their own countries. (Blackout)
Go back to sketches.
Go back to plays.