Le Voyageurs Et l'Ours (The Voyageurs And The Bear)

© ERIC FERGUSON
5348 48th Av. S.
Minneapolis, MN 55417
phone: (612)702-8897
eric@celticfringe.net
http://www.celticfringe.net

CHARACTERS:
Jacques, a voyageur who speaks English with a bad French Canadian accent
Pierre, likewise
Bear, a bear

(The scene is a riverbank in late autumn. There are patches of snow and ice, and a few ice flows in the river. A gunshot is heard. Jacques and Pierre come paddling ashore in a canoe. They are dressed for being outdoors in late autumn.)

JACQUES

We will come ashore here Pierre. I think the deer came this way.

PIERRE

I do not think you will find it Jacques. It will take us a week to get back to the trading post anyway.

JACQUES

What is another day or two? Do you want to eat pemmican all the way back when a day will get us all the fresh meat we want?

(JACQUES gets out of the canoe.)

Oh ho, see that, deer tracks in the snow. We will have our deer soon my friend.

PIERRE

That is another thing. Look at the snow, and there is ice forming on the river already. If we take too long getting back, we may be trapped in the ice.

JACQUES

I think a little cold weather scares you Pierre. We have two weeks at least before winter. I have an unerring sense about these things.

PIERRE

That is what my father used to say, until we helped him bury his frostbitten foot.

JACQUES

We will have our deer in a little while. Now get out of the canoe.

(PIERRE steps out of the canoe.)

PIERRE

Sacre bleu, the water is cold.

JACQUES

Will you cry like a little baby?

PIERRE

Assuming the baby stepped out of a warm canoe into a freezing river and just sloshed ice water into his moccasins, oui.

(They pull the canoe on shore. They hear a growl)

JACQUES

What was that?

PIERRE

I think it was a bear.

JACQUES

Nonsense.

PIERRE

It is bad luck to see a bear this late in the autumn.

JACQUES

That sounds like a silly superstition.

PIERRE

That depends on how close the bear is at the time.

(Another growl)

We should not have come here. Let us leave this river for the bears.

JACQUES

The bears have already gone to their hibernation. There are no bears here. I have an unerring sense about bears as well.

PIERRE

That too is what my father said. We buried him next to his foot.

(Enter BEAR, roaring. He chases JACQUES and PIERRE around the stage.)

PIERRE

Jacques, shoot him!

JACQUES

I have not reloaded it yet!

PIERRE

Maybe he does not know that!

(BEAR has them pinned to the ground, or against a handy boulder or tree. BEAR is still roaring, JACQUES and PIERRE are yelling. A phone rings. All stop to figure out where the sound is coming from.)

BEAR

Stay there a moment, I gotta take this call.

(He steps away from them and pulls a phone from a previously unnoticed pocket.)

Hello?

JACQUES

What is he doing?

PIERRE

I don't know.

BEAR

Hold it down please, I'm on the phone. (Into phone) I'm sorry, say that again? I know I was supposed to call, I just got busy. Right. Look, don't worry about supper, it looks like I'll be bringing something home. About 10 minutes maybe, let me check. (to JACQUES and PIERRE.) How badly injured are you two?

JACQUES

Um, just a few scratches I think.

BEAR

(Into phone again) Maybe 15 minutes. Well, can this wait till I get home? I'm in the middle of something right now. It's just that contract we were working on, he's a little anxious about it. It's not like we don't have better customers. All right, I call him right now. I told the idiot not to call me at home. Okay, bye. What? Oh, come on, don't make me say that. No, it's...not entirely private here. Me too. You know. (somewhat surreptitiously) I love my little Mama Bear.

(JACQUES and PIERRE chuckle. BEAR looks at them and they stop immediately.)

BEAR

Do you mind not listening in on a private conversation?

PIERRE

Sorry. If I may ask, why aren't you hibernating? Winter will start any day now.

BEAR

I can't hibernate anymore. I'm into some volatile stocks.

PIERRE

I was in some stocks the last time I was in Montreal. People threw vegetables at me.

(BEAR struggles to dial a number)

BEAR

Why do they make these buttons so damn small?

JACQUES

I do not understand why you are talking to that little thing in your hand. I do not understand why you are talking! I have never heard of such a thing!

PIERRE

What about the singing buffalo?

JACQUES

You were drunk when you saw that

PIERRE

Ah, oui.

BEAR

Hold it down again. I've been working on this contract for week and I just want to get it done.

PIERRE

We are supposed to believe a talking bear who makes contracts and talks into a little...whatever that is? What next, you go home to a fine house and play with the cubs?

BEAR

Of course not, that's what Mama Bear is for. Let's not get too ridiculous.

(While BEAR talks, PIERRE gestures to JACQUES to shoot Bear. JACQUES loads his rifle.)

Hello, let me talk to your bear. No, I don't want his voicemail. Tell him it's about the Bruin Corp. contract. Hi, so where are we with the contract? I know, that badger's a real pain in the rump. He's just being thorough, you know how they like to burrow into things. He can be handled if you're tactful. Don't bite his head off when he does that stuff. You already did. All right, give back however much of him you didn't eat and say it was a misunderstanding. I expect they'll be glad to be rid of him anyway.

JACQUES

This is it you silly anachronistic bear. When I fire this rifle, it is we will be the ones with the big supper tonight.

(JACQUES cocks his rifle and aims. BEAR reaches out with one paw and whaps JACQUES, knocking him and his rifle into the water. He doesn't interrupt his conversation.)

BEAR

Call me back as soon as you have news. But don't call me at home, call me at this number. Right.

(He puts the phone away.)

JACQUES

You stupid bear! Now my rifle is in the river!

BEAR

Probably not the first time that's happened. I'm surprised it works with all that rust, and your stock looks like a peach pit.

JACQUES

Do you know how long it will take to clean?

BEAR

Oh, wah wah wah. Tell someone who cares.

PIERRE

It is bad enough you throw him in the icy water, but the sarcasm is uncalled for.

BEAR

I'm going to maul him and I should be polite?

PIERRE

It never hurts to be courteous.

BEAR

Fine then...so, how are you?

JACQUES

All right I suppose.

PIERRE

Given the circumstances.

BEAR

Will you two be missed if you don't get back to your trading post?

JACQUES

Oui, we will be missed very much. We are very important men. Yes indeed, they will miss us very much.

BEAR

It's good to have a comforting thought at the end. Come on, time to meet Mama Bear.

(He roars and drags them off, yelling. End of play.)

Go back to sketches.

Go back to plays.